Deciding your own destiny by Clotilde
Reading time: 5 min
My name is Clotilde, I am 45 years old, I work for a prestigious luxury brand in the beauty industry, and I’m lucky enough to have two little boys, twin boys, who will be three and a half years old soon, and our story is quite unusual.
I grew up in a fairly conservative family in the 16th arrondissement of Paris, and I received a Catholic education at an all-girls school. I hadn't fully anticipated that my life would take this turn. I had always told myself, ‘later I will have a family,’ until the day I turned 35 and moved to London for my career. During an annual visit to my gynecologist, I asked her to perform a fertility test—I was curious, I had read that it was possible—and the test is very simple, just a blood test.
When she read the test results, she told me that on a scale of 0 to 10, my fertility was at a level of 1. At the time, I was 37 years old. Of course, I was devastated. I already imagined that I would never be able to have children. She said it wasn’t impossible, but that it would be very complicated for me. I was working like crazy, and London is a tough city where everything moves at lightning speed. I was, of course, disturbed by this bad news, and since I didn’t have a serious relationship, I threw myself completely into my work, telling myself, "This is what I have left, and it will be fine." I focused on getting to know London, seeing friends, making personal and professional connections. This city is a real whirlwind! When you’re alone, it’s not very easy to settle in. Then I worked, worked, worked, and after a year (I was just 38 at the time), I wanted to make sure I had explored all the options before giving up.
I went to see a fertility clinic recommended by my doctor. I didn’t even do any benchmarking; I just went to the one that wasn’t too far from my home to keep it simple. They were specialists in assisted reproductive technology (ART): the usual procedures for couples who can’t have children, IVF protocols, etc. I told the doctor my story, he asked me a lot of questions, and he realized that my gynecologist had had me take a fertility test… while prescribing the birth control pill, which, of course, is meant to stop fertility! He did the test again, and I got a result of 8 instead of 1. In a sort of semi-conscious state, I realized that there was hope!
This step really confirmed for me how important it was to become a mother, and that I absolutely needed to give myself every chance to possibly have a child one day. This doctor spoke to me about egg freezing. I had no idea that it existed because in France, we didn’t talk about it, and it was illegal. I was exactly the right age when it becomes critical. They say that at 38, fertility starts to decline significantly. I decided to go for it, and a few months later, I successfully froze my eggs. It was a bit of a tedious process but manageable. I was lucky, I experienced it physically well, although many women find it to be more of a trial. All those who go through IVF are familiar with these steps."
It’s also tedious when you’re going through the process alone. The injections at fixed times, the medications, the protocol… There was this nurse who asked, “Where is your husband to escort you after the procedure?” Well, actually, the point is that I don’t have a husband, otherwise, I wouldn’t be here! It’s not easy when you’re alone, you’d prefer it to be different, to have it happen naturally and to go through all of this with someone you love. And then, you also have to prepare for the possibility of failure. But I always told myself, "You have to take advantage of this opportunity that medicine gives you." I was driven by action. When something isn’t going well, I’ve always felt the need to act, to do everything I can to make it go in the right direction, it’s my nature, and if it doesn’t work, at least I’ll know I tried.
Being in action lifted my spirits and gave me hope. At first, I didn’t think at all, "I’m going to have a baby by myself," I thought, "I’m taking precautions to give myself more time." I didn’t hide this decision, I didn’t tell everyone, of course, but my close friends and family knew. My family supported me, and there were no negative reactions around me, and it also gave ideas to some others. Since then, I have many friends who have done it. Especially women a bit younger than me, I think it has become an option for more people. Back in 2013, it wasn’t very common yet. In New York, yes, in London, not really, and in Paris, I don’t even mention it—it was the Stone Age! And today, Spain has had a big influence on France, but at that time, I didn’t know anything about all of this!
"We need to change mentalities: we can’t expect women to put their careers on hold because of their desire for motherhood. It should go hand in hand."
Women lack information in France. Only my gynecologist regularly told me, "Don’t wait, be careful, your biological clock is ticking." OK, thanks, but apart from adding pressure, how are you helping me? I can’t give up my career, I can’t find a husband from a catalog, and I didn’t fall in love easily either. All of this puts extreme and unfair pressure on women, a lot of guilt. I remember going to a pharmacy in Paris to ask for my hormonal treatments, and when I asked the pharmacist how much I owed her, she said, "Oh, it’s covered by Social Security. You know, we’re in a country where any woman over 40 who wants to delay her pregnancy because she wants to dedicate her life to her career can do it, at the taxpayer's expense!" She didn’t realize it, it was incredibly tactless: basically, for her, women who choose a career do so at the community’s expense. Coming from a woman my age and a medical professional… I was stunned.
"We need to change mentalities: we can’t expect women to put their careers on hold because of their desire for motherhood. It should go hand in hand. We accept this in men."
I was shocked by these moments, but at the same time, I reassured myself by thinking, "It’s okay, I decide my own fate. I’m lucky to have this opportunity and maybe gain a few years, to give myself more time to find the right person."
I was lucky, the egg retrieval went well. It was such a relief; I felt like they were there, and I had this backup. And honestly, just for the psychological aspect, it was worth it. I was 38, and I could buy myself a bit more time.
"It took me time to feel ready. That meant accepting that I hadn’t done it like everyone else, like my upbringing had told me to. It’s a journey."
It’s important to mention that ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) isn’t always accessible to everyone—it requires organization, a lot of energy, and it has a cost. First, you need to be informed. Then, you need the budget and access to a clinic. It’s a demanding process. The consultations, the ultrasounds, the treatments, the back-and-forth to the clinic, for some, even by plane... it’s a budget. And it’s often women alone who bear the full cost of these expenses. I was well aware of the importance of having a good job that allowed me to manage all of this.
I returned to Paris at just 40 years old. I had a few love stories, but none with much future.
It took me time to feel ready. That meant accepting that I hadn’t succeeded in doing things like everyone else, like my upbringing had told me to. It’s a journey. And then, finally, in the summer of 2016 (I was 41), I made my decision. Thanks to beautiful friendships, events that unfolded well, the summer gave me incredible strength, and when I came back, I felt invincible. I thought to myself, "Now’s the time."
It was also the summer when I met a certain Alban, at a wedding, just like in the movies, and it was a Franco-English wedding! I lived in Paris, so did he, and he had quite an unusual family background with many twists and turns. He told me all of this with a lot of humor, and I liked him. At first, I wanted to introduce him to my friends, but in the end, I kept him to myself (laughs)!
I called the London clinic again at the end of August, feeling strong and confident. I was back "home" in Paris, my family wasn’t far away, and my friends were there too. It’s important to go for it when you feel ready, because to go through these procedures, you really need a lot of strength. It requires patience, it doesn’t always work, and it’s important to feel good, especially when you're doing it alone, which was my case. It worked for me. It was probably the right time. I believe the body and mind are closely connected.
"I chose a profile I might have met in real life, with whom I could have shared common ground."
Then I started all the steps, remotely, following the clinic’s instructions to the letter, and I chose a donor. I’m often asked, "But how did you choose him?" It’s the most incredible choice of my life. It’s crazy to select someone like that. Someone who will define what my child will be. But I let myself be carried by luck, and I trusted myself.
The banks allow you to have all kinds of criteria, more or less detailed depending on how much you pay, it’s pretty pragmatic, it’s American, it’s business! If you wish, you can get information about the donor’s appearance, family, profession, for example. You can even have photos of him as a baby, child, and adult, or even voice recordings... I chose a profile that I might have met in life, with whom I could have had some common points.
Deep down, I thank him, I remember that he exists somewhere, and I am grateful to him. But I don't want more information about him; I’ve had the chance to create my own family since then.
After making my decision at the end of August, there was a month of preparation. It went smoothly, and I was very lucky. I made a dozen round trips to my gynecologist in Paris for ultrasounds every two days. I did all of this by bike between Trocadéro and Neuilly, during lunchtime, between meetings... All of this, I should mention, in a country where egg retrieval and assisted reproductive technology (ART) for single women were illegal. However, my gynecologist agreed to support me, risking a fine of 75,000 euros. I still see him today and thank him every time.
After a satisfactory ultrasound, my doctor gave the green light to the clinic in London to thaw the frozen eggs and start the IVF process. And that’s when the 7 most intense days began: every morning, I received updates on the embryos’ progress. There were 3 left when they told me, “Take the Eurostar, we’re doing the IVF tomorrow.” It was a Friday. “Tomorrow, Saturday, we’re opening the clinic just for you. There will be two of us: the nurse and the doctor.” The doctor was Greek, his name was Dr. Théodoru, which means “gift of God.” I will never forget him (laughs)! On the day of the procedure in London, I was in the operating room wearing a little blue paper gown, like for surgeries, and I had signed a document to implant just one embryo, just one. And on the big day, Dr. Théodoru said to me:
- How many shall we put in?
- Doctor, we’re putting one, as we agreed.
- Are you sure?
And then he explained the statistics to me. I’m over 40, there’s a higher chance it will work if we put in at least two. I wasn’t exactly at the height of my glory in that paper gown. I projected myself 10 years ahead: how would I see myself, with zero or with two children? In the end, I said, “OK, let’s put in two then!” (laughs). And now, here they are, both of them (laughs)!
I came back to Paris with my two little “clandestine” embryos. It worked. It’s incredible. And every day I recognize how lucky I’ve been.
Since then, I’ve met many women who’ve gone through the process of having a child on their own. We’re quite a little group with amazing stories. There are women, doctors really committed to the cause, and many people trying to push things forward, inform women, and make changes.
When my story with Alban began, he didn’t know anything about my journey. I wasn’t going to tell someone I’d just met at a wedding, with whom I was starting a relationship, “We don’t know each other, but I have an IVF scheduled in three weeks” (laughs)! I waited a bit and only told him after returning from the clinic: “I didn’t go shopping in London, actually, I went to do an IVF.” He looked at me in shock and said, “You’re truly incredible,” and he stayed.
Eight months later, my two little boys were born.
They look like their mom and have a wonderful dad at heart.
