How I became a mother by Judith
Reading time: 10 minutes.
I’m Judith, I’m 29 years old, I have a little girl who’s almost 8 months old, and I’m the founder of MÊME.
My desire for motherhood came much earlier, after my mother passed away. Towards the end of my teenage years, between 20 and 22 years old, I kept thinking that I missed that relationship so much, and the only way to reconnect with that mother-daughter bond would be for me to become a mother myself.
The pregnancy plan
When I was with my ex, and we were nowhere near the right age for that, deep inside I already genuinely felt like I was ready. I knew full well it was too early and that it didn’t fit with my life plans and goals, but I felt like it would be the answer to my problem.
That’s where it all started. I had always wanted it, and I had never imagined myself without children, but I had already seriously thought about it at a very young age. Then the years went by, I returned to my usual and rational path, and I tempered my thoughts on it. And then, most importantly, I met Thibaud, and we took quite a while before things really started to fall into place.
Then came MÊME, which was my first real "baby," and it also placed me into a life pattern at the time of its creation that was incompatible with motherhood.
Then Simon and Gisèle, my nephew and niece, came into my life. That marked my transition to the "adult" generation. I became the aunt to these two little babies, which projected me into an entirely different role, a whole new dimension. You’re no longer the child, you are an adult in someone else’s eyes. All of this gradually led me to think more and more about it, and I also realized that I was incredibly comfortable with babies. It came so naturally to me, which I hadn’t anticipated at all since I hadn’t had much experience before Simon and Gisèle. These babies were very important to me, and something really shifted in my life, with this desire deep inside me to want and know how to care for them.
A little later, Thibaud proposed to me in London, “best day ever,” it was amazing! At that moment, I thought: “everything is going great, everything is going in the right direction, I don’t want a baby before the wedding.” Mostly for silly reasons, like wanting to fit into my dress. And since we were at it, why not do things in order? I had already worked so hard on Thibaud for the marriage that I wasn’t going to bring up the baby topic just 24 hours later (laughs)!
"I had touched on motherhood for a few days, and I felt ready, everything was a little less dramatic." Then my cousin had her second baby, Solal. A few weeks later, in August, I went on vacation with her and her children. Thibaud stayed in Paris because he was working. That’s when something really happened.
Solal was very little, and I spent a lot of time with him over several days.
When Thibaud and I would talk about having children, he would tell me that having a baby was a real burden, and I would always reply, "no," without really knowing. Sure, I spent time with babies in the evening during the week or on weekends, but what’s it like to really have one?
So, spending all that time with Solal, I felt like I had the chance to experience it. My cousin gave me a lot of space. The baby was two months old, and she took advantage of my presence and her trust in me to let me connect with him.
On the train ride back, I thought: “actually, I want one now, right now.” I felt like something had been taken from me. I had touched on motherhood for a few days, and I felt ready, everything was a little less dramatic. I was able to calm him, to understand him. I thought: “I know how to do this, I’m ready.”
I returned to Paris, packed my things, and went to pick up Thibaud so we could go to Granville. During the three-hour train ride, I laid out my dissertation in fifteen points. At the beginning of the trip, Thibaud was saying: “No, calm down, we’ve been married for six weeks, don’t rush me into something else,” and by the end, he said: “okay, we can start trying.”
My main argument to get him to agree was time: on average, it takes six to twelve months to get pregnant, sometimes even more. And for some reason, we were convinced we were going to have fertility issues. So, I explained to Thibaud that if we had to wait a long time, we should start now because I really wanted it.
But in the end, it worked right away! I felt incredibly lucky. In fact, the moment Thibaud said "okay," it was like a tidal wave. I switched into "war machine" mode within ten minutes: apps, calculations, readings, etc...
I couldn’t think about anything else.
Once the theoretical fertility phase was over, there was the waiting phase. About fifteen days, roughly, before my period or not. I understood what it could potentially mean for those women who say that it was really difficult and took a long time.
"The day before or the day before that, the day I found out I was pregnant, I woke up thinking: 'That's it, I'm pregnant!'" For me, it only took fifteen days, but they were unbearable. I couldn’t think of anything else all day. If I had a stomach ache, I thought, "Ah! Maybe this is it," then "No, I’m just psyching myself out because I’m totally obsessed with this." Once you switch your mindset to this maternity project, it becomes really overwhelming. I spent all day on my app, constantly double-checking the dates. I was crazy.
I started thinking about taking a pregnancy test two days before my expected period, and I had to force myself to wait until the actual day to avoid going crazy.
The pregnancy announcement
The day before or the day before that, the day I found out I was pregnant, when I was falling asleep, I woke up thinking, "That's it, I’m pregnant." I just felt it. At first, I had trouble believing it, but I know something happened.
So the next day, or the day after that, I decided to take the test as soon as I woke up. Thibaud had already gone to the gym. I tried to convince myself that if it didn’t work, it wouldn’t matter, since it was the first try. But I saw the test gradually turning positive. I remember looking at the test two hundred times, I couldn’t believe the result, I read the instructions several times. The instructions said to wait five minutes for the test to show the final result, so I decided to leave it and take a shower while waiting.
It was really in the shower that I realized what was happening. I was laughing to myself. When I came out, the test was completely positive. I was ecstatic, and my heart was racing a thousand miles an hour. I was also a bit scared, I was ready to accept it and move on, but it was still pretty crazy.
To tell Thibaud, I thought to myself that this only happens once in a lifetime, so I shouldn’t act like usual, like calling him immediately, for example! I wanted to wait until the evening to tell him when he got back. I felt the minutes ticking by, I couldn’t wait and keep it to myself! So I wrote to Thibaud: “What are you doing? Where are you? I need you to come home.” It was 8:30 in the morning, and he replied saying: “Why, are you pregnant? haha.” And I just replied, "Yes!!" The worst announcement ever, but oh well, no show.
He had just arrived at work, he left and called me, so emotional, we cried on the phone. And in the end, it was cool because we had the same reaction five minutes apart.
Then I went to the office and immediately told my business partner, Juliette. Honestly, there was no way I could keep it to myself. I was downstairs and asked her to come down. I had always told myself that Juliette would know immediately. Juliette is my second Thibaud. She’s as much a part of my life as my partner, so I couldn’t imagine not telling her. We share everything.
However, I hadn’t told her that we had started trying. I didn’t want to talk about MÊME's organization before even being pregnant. So I told her the news bluntly, without really preparing her. But it seemed unthinkable to spend 48 hours at work with her and this news just for me. She was really happy, it was amazing. And that’s how the beginning of my pregnancy went.
Pregnancy
The first few months were harder than I had imagined.
My mother didn’t have any nausea, or at least she never told me about it, and I always thought it wasn’t something that ran in the family. I thought some women had it, others didn’t, and I told myself I wouldn’t have it, that I wouldn’t be affected.
But in fact... I had the nausea, plus the depression. But I was very rational about it because I read everything and was very informed on the topic. While knowing it was perfectly normal, I couldn’t stop asking myself why I felt so bad. I felt like something was wrong. I thought, "So is this my life now? My daughter is coming, and I won’t be the same person! I’ll never be as happy as I was before!" I had associated my state with having a child.
"I didn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant." Once the first trimester passed, even though people had warned me that things would go smoothly after that, I experienced severe pain in my ribs. There wasn’t really a moment when I truly enjoyed my pregnancy, because there was no time when I felt completely good, except for one or two weeks.
When you're in pain every day, it’s really tough. At that point, I thought about our clients at MÊME, who are in pain all the time, for reasons that have nothing to do with pregnancy. I told myself, "I’m carrying life, the end result is good, I’m doing this for a reason." I better understood what it was like to live with daily pain. I was irritable because of it, I felt bad, and it made me realize things like this. Emotionally, day by day, the colors returned. I had a few stressful moments, but less than I had imagined. And even today, I still surprise myself in this regard.
I was generally full of stress and fears: Thibaud was very apprehensive about how I would be as a mother. I had a very anxious mother, and I imagined I would become the mother I had had. I thought I would be a stressed-out mom, always shouting, scared of everything, even crossing the street! And strangely, outside of the first trimester, and especially until my baby started moving, there was no more stress. From that point on, everything was different. It was completely different.
It was really in the beginning, when she hadn’t moved yet, that I thought I didn’t feel pregnant. Clearly, I was afraid of miscarriage. I had the incredible joy of getting pregnant quickly, and something deep inside me told me that it was too good to be true.
And then I didn’t know if I could keep a baby inside me at that moment. Yes, I had been lucky to get pregnant easily, but that didn’t mean everything else would go smoothly.
The first few months, I felt so sick and miserable that I didn’t really enjoy the state of being pregnant. I mostly just wanted things to go quickly, for it to move forward, and I was more focused on getting better than on my fears or anxieties.
The first ultrasound is also a stressful moment, I think. And yet, my gynecologist was great, but the moments of silence when she had to concentrate to listen to the heartbeat, or measure the nuchal translucency, for example, were really nerve-wracking. At that point, I wasn’t ready to mourn the potential loss of motherhood if something went wrong. It was already too serious. And I think even from the first weeks, it would have been really hard.
Often we minimize these events a bit. But actually, when you’re in it, even at three weeks, there’s a mourning process to go through. Of course, it’s much worse at six months pregnant, but I know I wouldn’t have liked to go through it.
Weight gain
I also remember having another obsession at the beginning, about my weight gain. I gained weight right away. Over the course of the pregnancy, I gained a "normal" amount. But I gained a lot in the first trimester, and I read a lot of articles explaining that, usually, during the first few weeks, women tend to lose weight. So at first, I thought, "Oh my god, how am I going to end up?"
I remember my mother often saying she had gained a few kilos after her pregnancies, so for me, it was also genetic, and I thought, goodbye to my body before pregnancy. I thought about it a lot.
I didn’t like myself, I didn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant. I was talking about it this morning with one of my colleagues, I’ve always thought pregnancy was beautiful on others. But I understood those women who don’t feel beautiful while pregnant, even though everyone around them thinks the opposite.
On the other hand, the bigger my belly got, the better I felt, because at least physically, I felt different, really pregnant. The first few months, when you only have a small belly, just a few extra kilos, you feel bloated all over, even in your breasts, and I really didn’t like that.
"I think I wasn’t prepared enough for the birth not to go as I wanted."
The birth
Regarding the birth, I remember that from the start of my pregnancy, I told myself there was only one outcome. Birth was definitely the "next step." I was a little scared, but not too much either. Of course, you know it’s going to hurt, but it was a source of moderate concern.
As time went on, with the pregnancy going well, I lost the fear that "something was going to go wrong." I had a normal pregnancy, everything was going fine, the ultrasounds were good. And it’s silly because even during the birth classes I did via video, when the instructor talked about extreme cases, I was attentive but convinced it wouldn’t happen to me.
I think I wasn’t prepared enough for the birth not to go as I wanted. And yet, in hindsight, when I listen to podcasts like Bliss, I realize that people talked to me about these topics a thousand times, I had access to the information. I read it, I heard it, but I didn’t do the work to integrate what I could potentially experience.
During labor, it was really the fear and the pain that I found unbearable, I thought I was going to die! At one point, I really lost control, but fortunately, I had a fantastic midwife who sternly told me, "You need to calm down right now!" She didn’t give me a choice and told me I really needed to calm down, that I wasn’t going to die. I really needed that at that moment, and she knew it. That mix of pain and panic, I had never experienced it before.
Everyone was wearing masks. I don’t remember the faces of the midwives, I wouldn’t recognize them, and I think that played a role at the moment when I needed to hold onto something. Fortunately, Thibaud was able to be there for the birth despite Covid and all the health restrictions in place.
What also happened was that they let me be in pain for so long, that when I got a second epidural, and it finally worked, I was no longer able to bear any pain.
This epidural made me feel completely "out of it" and like I missed my birth. I wasn’t myself. The birth of my daughter was incredible, and I’ll remember it for the rest of my life, but a few hours later in the delivery room, I was high.
"By the way, when I found out it was a girl, I thought it was a gift from heaven. I was going to have the chance to have exactly what I had lost with my mother." For a few days, I was really fixated on the subject: I asked around why no one had warned me that it could happen so differently from what I had anticipated.
Now, when I think back, I wonder what I would have wanted someone to tell me? I wouldn’t have liked them to talk to me too bluntly about childbirth and physical pain either...
I was also often asked if it felt weird to have an empty belly. But the pregnancy seemed so long, and it had been such an adventure for my baby to come out, that the arrival of my daughter didn’t feel sudden.
By the way, when I found out it was a girl during the pregnancy, I thought it was a gift from heaven. I was going to have the chance to have exactly what I had lost with my mother, and moreover, she was going to be the eldest, just like me. I thought I would really be able to have that same bond!
And in fact, I think about my mother every day of my life when I step into the role of a mother with my baby. Clearly, I can hear her in me, I know my subconscious is making sure I am the same way she was there for me. But at the same time, I also have very clear ideas about what she didn’t do as well, especially with her stress.
Strangely, this stress and anxiety came back a bit at the very end of my pregnancy. The last few nights I slept very poorly and woke up with the fear of being afraid. I kept thinking, "In a few days, or maybe tomorrow, she’ll be in the crib next to me, and I’ll never be able to sleep again, it’s impossible. I’ll be listening to her breath all the time." So, on one hand, I was really eager for her to come out because I couldn’t take it anymore, but on the other hand, at least inside me, she was protected.
Becoming a mother
But after she arrived, it didn’t happen at all like that. I can’t explain it, they placed her on me, and everything felt normal. I wasn’t afraid. Of course, it happens from time to time, but it’s rare. The first night when she fell asleep, I slept too.
I was excited, amazed, and I didn’t think she was going to stop breathing. Of course, sometimes I’d check, but I really thought it would be unbearable, that I would need constant reassurance. But she was born, and I had confidence. She seemed solid to me. I was reminded of her fragility when we had to go to the ER once, she was still a tiny little thing, but I imagined I would find her much more fragile than that. When I look at pictures of her a few months later, I realize how tiny she was, and Thibaud and I often wonder how we were so at ease when she was so small.
If tomorrow I have another baby who seems more fragile, I’ll feel it too. My maternal instinct tells me for now that she’s fine, that she’s strong, and I hope that lasts. I think I’ve thought enough about it beforehand to trust myself now. I’ve integrated what I’d ideally like to be as a mother, and I trust myself. I’m unconsciously following the "guidelines" I’ve given myself.
There are of course many moments when I start to panic, when Thibaud tells me I shouldn’t have reacted like that. For example, last week, she choked a little on her carrot puree, and I thought she was turning a bit purple, and I immediately got up, took her, and couldn’t remain perfectly calm. But that’s rare, it’s not every minute.
And actually, the few times we were more stressed, she was upset. I really felt like she absorbed it all. For example, when I have her in my arms and she senses that I’m scared, that I’ve jumped, she gets upset. Babies really trust us, and our emotions become theirs.
I think, as a parent, you have to make the effort to filter things, to calm down a bit, and it’s not always easy.
Professional life
From the perspective of my professional life, I knew that I wanted to have a baby, that I didn’t want to be very old when it happened, and that I wasn’t going to wait until my work at MÊME was behind me, if that’s even something that will ever happen (laughs). I knew that, in any case, I had to find a solution because this was how it was going to happen. This is actually our general vision with Juliette: we have no desire for our work at MÊME to prevent us from experiencing important things in our personal lives. For us, as for our colleagues, by the way.
"My partner Juliette was also extremely important to me throughout the entire pregnancy." We’re also trying to implement things that we consider normal from an HR perspective. For example, we extended paternity leave. And now that I’ve experienced it, I’m even more convinced that it’s really, really important. We had already put in place the option for a colleague to pump breast milk at the office.
My partner Juliette was also extremely important to me throughout the entire pregnancy: as I was approaching maternity leave, which was supposed to start in mid-April, the coronavirus hit, and it was very difficult. I told myself I couldn’t abandon the company because we had to save our business and do everything we could. And yet, I really needed that break and to refocus for a while, to be able to come back strong and in the best mindset at MÊME.
I had a hard time during this period because it didn’t go as planned. We worked quite a bit during the lockdown, and I felt like it was a bit unfair. At that moment, I would have liked to be an employee in a company where I didn’t owe anything to anyone. But it was also normal for me to take responsibility for that; it was a choice I made not to be employed somewhere. And above all, I couldn’t leave Juliette alone at that time!
Little by little, after May 1st, I was able to let go of all the operational tasks. I was only there for emergencies. Juliette was amazing because she really did everything she could. From May 1st until the end of my maternity leave, she did everything she could to protect me from as much as possible, and she only reached out to me when she really needed me.
But still, it was a bit intense. For example, we were looking to hire people, and my last video interview was on May 18th at 3 PM, it’s noted in my calendar, and I went into labor at 7 PM. In itself, I tell myself that it doesn’t matter, that it didn’t take anything away from me, but still, I didn’t really get a break.
And I think that the harshness of that delivery was also something I experienced like that because I didn’t have time to switch modes and prepare for the birth. Maternity leave isn’t there for nothing. After experiencing it, both the before and the after, I’m convinced it’s really necessary.
At first, I told Juliette that as long as my daughter was in my belly, I didn’t need to stop working, that I could very well read my emails while lying down. But actually, there comes a point in pregnancy where it switches, and you go into “it’s coming soon” mode. You can no longer handle any mental load, it’s too much. And even though nothing is technically happening, you’re waiting, your belly is growing, and you need to be present for this pregnancy and the child to come.
Overall, since I went back to work, I’m happy. I thought it would be more difficult, in the sense that I manage this pace well. It’s definitely a new rhythm because now I leave work at 6:30 PM, which didn’t happen before. I leave early, and sometimes it feels a bit strange and guilty. But I feel like I have time to do what needs to be done. And MÊME is doing quite well at the moment, so we’re not under enormous stress. I don’t know how it would have been if we had to manage a big fundraising or a struggling company at that time. We’re more in a period where the indicators are green. I don’t have any real issues when I get home in the evening; it’s easier to disconnect.
But I find this tug-of-war difficult. I understand that some women can’t work. I couldn’t have been a stay-at-home mom. By the end of my maternity leave, the only thing I wanted was to go back to work, and at the same time, I didn’t want to leave my baby. It was a very ambivalent feeling. But I understand why some women might never return to work; I understand that for some, it’s impossible because I find this tug-of-war really complicated. I leave work, it’s really too early, I get home, it’s really too late. I have 45 minutes to spend with my daughter. I give her a bath, a bottle, and I have very little time with her, and that’s hard.
Every morning, even though I have a wonderful nanny whom I adore, I prefer that my husband takes her. It’s heartbreaking to drop her off: “Okay, I’m dropping you off, goodbye.”
I know I need it, and that’s how I find my balance, but that moment is really guilt-inducing. I don’t experience it as societal guilt, it’s really from within me as a mom. I don’t think Thibaud experiences it that way. It’s really visceral.
Self-care
In terms of my beauty routines and skincare, I’m convinced that it’s really important to take care of your skin during pregnancy and postpartum. Both because of what we put on our skin, as I can’t believe there are so many restrictions on what we’re allowed to eat without applying the same to our cosmetics! Everything we put on our skin and use inevitably has an impact on the baby. I’m convinced, without making it a source of anxiety, that we should maximize the chances that everything goes well.
And also for oneself.
I was lucky not to have stretch marks, and I’m really happy about that. I’m glad that pregnancy didn’t leave too many marks, even though I’ll never get my pre-pregnancy body back. I did get other marks from childbirth, but it’s not that easy to go from being a woman to being a mom in terms of your body, in how you see yourself. You kind of cross to the other side, and you have to grieve. And I think the better your body has been through this transition, the easier it is to accept the body afterward. I’m sure that anticipating stretch marks is helpful, and that it can make a difference.
Several weeks after giving birth, there comes a moment where it’s time to say hello to yourself again, to reconnect a little. And it’s not that easy because we’ve changed, the body is not the same, we’re not in the shape we would have liked to be, but I find it easier to accept when you’ve supported your body through the whole pregnancy. In any case, I really thought about it a lot.
Right now, I weigh 3 kilos more than before having my baby, and I’ve weighed 3 kilos “too much” before, and I felt terrible. But today, I own them, I don’t feel the same. And even if they stay, it’s not a big deal, it’s my new me, it’s my new body. If I hadn’t gone through all this process during pregnancy, if I hadn’t done this work of acceptance, I would have dealt with it much worse.
Today, it’s really no longer something that makes me uncomfortable, and on the contrary, there are little victories. Sometimes when I look at myself, I think I don’t look pregnant anymore, and that’s cool!
As for other advice, I don’t know if I really have any because I think it’s so personal, even though we all go through many similar things. I didn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant, but that doesn’t stop me from understanding those who did. It didn’t please me personally for reasons related to me, my character, my body, and how I experienced it.
But we’re all different in this regard. We all have our own story, our own relationship to our body, and our own relationship to motherhood. I don’t know if I have any other advice other than to trust yourself and listen to yourself!
