The importance of being surrounded when becoming a mother by Hawa
Reading time: 8 minutes
My name is Hawa, I am 32 years old, and I have been living in Clichy for three and a half years. My desire to have a child didn't come right away; the turning point was my little sister's pregnancy: when she got pregnant, it immediately projected me into motherhood. She got married very young, and it was really part of the natural course of things for her. Since we are very close, I really experienced her motherhood with her: we live next to each other, we talk a lot, so I got to go through different significant stages with her, like her second ultrasound, for example. I learned the baby’s gender at the same time as she did. It was very special. When she gave birth, I showed up the same evening. And since her baby was always very calm, very sweet, and didn’t cry much, and we could go to restaurants with her without any problems, while I had the image of children who cry a lot, it really made me see motherhood in a more beautiful light. Everything seemed easy and beautiful, just like this little girl I love so much. So, I thought: “Why not?”
I was very lucky and got pregnant right away. I know that unfortunately, many women around me have struggled. Still, I wasn’t particularly stressed about how long it might take; I’m very optimistic by nature. It’s funny, I knew I was pregnant immediately. Really, from the very start. Maybe it was psychological, but I could feel it much more, I was sure it was happening. In fact, at the beginning of May, I was sick with a little cold, so I went to the pharmacy to get some medicine, and the pharmacist offered me a box that said "not for pregnant women," but I didn’t officially know I was pregnant. I must have been only two or three weeks along, I think, and I told him, "Oh, actually, I’m pregnant, so I can’t take this medicine, I need something else." It’s crazy, I was already thinking like a pregnant woman without even having taken a test!"
I wanted to take an early test: a few days before my period was due, I felt indescribable, like I was a bit out of my body, I felt strange. I remember going to get a test, I took it, and it confirmed that I was pregnant!
"I had a charity race planned with work, and she said in a very worrying way, 'It's either sports or the baby.'"
I was happy, but I was still stressed. I immediately told my husband and then my sister, but no one else. I still waited a bit before the blood tests. But when I saw the gynecologist, it was a very stressful moment. Since it was very early in the pregnancy, there was no heartbeat yet, and I had a practitioner in front of me who was used to these kinds of situations but didn't really explain or reassure me... so I didn't feel confident. I went home really worried, but fortunately, my sister, who is a mom and a nurse, helped and advised me, explaining that it was normal at the beginning of the pregnancy. And it’s true that by the following week, I could hear the heartbeat, and I was reassured!
On the physical activity side, I’m usually very sporty. So, I asked my gynecologist for advice on what types of activities I could continue doing, like "Can I run?" For work, I had a charity race planned, and she said in a very worrying way, "It's either sports or the baby," which I think is pretty harsh... So, I obviously decided to do nothing. It didn’t bother me; I took a year off.
Physically, I had some pregnancy symptoms: during the first trimester, I didn’t feel very well, I was very tired, after 8:30 PM, I was exhausted. I work as a management controller at La Défense, and I had a pretty intense pace, but the funny thing is, my symptoms would disappear at work because I was trying so hard to hide it! My body was on pause. But as soon as I got home, it was a disaster—smells, the smell of food from the neighbors... I had a lot of issues with food, I was hungry but disgusted at the same time, and I was struggling with it!
"And once again, it’s my sister who helped and supported me."
My pregnancy was going really well. I didn’t find out the baby’s gender immediately because my gynecologist, for ethical reasons, didn’t want to disclose it. I didn’t have a belly right away. Summer came, I went on vacation, everything went well, and then it was time to start telling people the news! I announced it quite casually, actually. I found it difficult to make such a big reveal! People actually kind of reproached me for it. Even with my mom, it was very ordinary: it’s funny, we were supposed to go to Mauritania with my whole family, but I didn’t feel comfortable traveling with the pregnancy, especially during the first trimester. I told my mom I wouldn’t be going, and she kept asking, "Why aren’t you coming? Why? Why?" I finally had to tell her I was pregnant, and she laughed and said, "No, you kids in France are afraid of everything!" She thinks we’re too delicate, too scared, and said that the women over there in Mauritania give birth by themselves (laughs)!
As for the baby’s gender, it’s terrible, but I really wanted a boy—it was stronger than me. I had unconsciously envisioned myself with a boy, and I was analyzing the ultrasounds to try to figure it out early! When she told me I was having a boy, I was overjoyed. But during the second ultrasound, even though I was feeling really good and healthy, the worry came back. When I settled in, my gynecologist started asking me a lot of questions, especially about diseases in my family. Then there were long silences before she finally told me that she would have to stop me until the end of the pregnancy... because my baby wasn’t big enough. Even though the baby was fine, I was really worried. In any case, according to her, stress was a factor in the baby’s slight weight gain: and it’s true that I was hard to manage at work! I was annoying (laughs)! Some women make life hard for their husbands; for me, it was at work! I put all my nervous energy into it. And yes, maybe my irritation was a factor. Anyway, after the ultrasound, I was panicked. And once again, it was my sister who helped and supported me: she told me the same thing had happened to her and that the most important thing was that the baby was fine!
"In fact, I really took pregnancy as a challenge. I met a midwife who told me, 'Pregnancy is like a marathon.'"
With this premature work stoppage, I think everyone at work was relieved (laughs). I really love my colleagues, but it’s true that I was a bit much during the pregnancy! Once back at home, I really tried to implement things so I wouldn’t let myself go: it was cold, and of course, there’s the temptation to eat a lot at home... So, I told myself that all of this would depend on me. In fact, I really took pregnancy as a challenge. I met a midwife who told me, "Pregnancy is like a marathon." I decided that I would do everything to eat well, so I started doing the shopping: I no longer bought tempting things, no more cakes, no more candy, etc. So, I couldn’t cheat. Since I couldn’t do sports, I told myself I would eat well and walk a lot. I walked to my hospital appointments and for general transportation. As for weight gain, it went pretty well; I didn’t weigh myself much, but I was careful because I was really worried about stretch marks. I applied a lot of oil on my body and a lot of shea butter.
"I saw a private midwife with whom I really clicked."
I signed up for childbirth preparation classes. I saw a private midwife with whom I really clicked. Everything went super well, she was fresh, super motivated, and full of energy! I learned a lot with her, and we had a great relationship. And everything she explained to me happened later, she really reassured me, and that’s ultimately what I had been missing since the beginning of the pregnancy with my gynecological follow-up. I also took a breastfeeding class, even though I wasn’t sure whether I would breastfeed or not. Again, I was in challenge mode: I even got a lot of comments from people, more or less close to me, who told me they couldn’t picture me breastfeeding. Those comments only motivated me more to want to do it (laughs) and take on the challenge! Plus, in my culture, we’ve always breastfed, so I really wanted to try! I was told that breastfeeding wasn’t as easy as it seemed, that a lot of things had to be set up for it to work well!
A month before my due date, in January, the maternity ward told me I had to start moving, that my cervix wasn’t very open yet... However, I was very active: I didn’t want to be induced. The day after that consultation, I had a lot of stomach pain, more than usual. I could tell it was contractions, but to me, it felt like false labor. I had to attend one last childbirth prep class on pushing that same day! Despite the pain, I decided to go anyway. Once I arrived, I realized it was serious when I couldn’t finish my sentences. I remember on the show Les Maternelles they said that a sign of real contractions was not being able to speak. I still managed to finish the class, then went home, and things started to accelerate! I still had the fear of arriving at the hospital and being sent home. Eventually, I went to the maternity ward! I hadn’t even finished packing my bag, I didn’t expect it to happen a month before my due date.
I arrived at the hospital, where I was very well welcomed and immediately taken care of. They set me up, and during the monitoring, the midwife told me, "Your son is going to come this weekend!" Since my cervix was still closed despite regular contractions, I decided to go home, and that’s when the two worst hours of my life began! I didn’t want my husband to be with me! I didn’t want to hear the simple phrases like "breathe" or "exhale"! I had briefed him beforehand: "If I say harsh things, don’t worry," I wanted to handle it on my own! Those two hours were long, but I refused to cry or let myself go! Still, with the level of pain I was in, I kept wondering what was going to happen next. Meanwhile, I was sending voice notes to my sisters, which I listened to later, and I was actually quite calm. I didn’t want to lose my composure. At 8:30 p.m., we went back to the maternity ward, and shortly after, they administered the epidural.
"Ultimately, looking back, as I told a friend, being a mother is a job you take on."
Everything happened pretty quickly; I soon found myself having to push, and within about twenty minutes, the baby was out. I was witnessing all of it. The first thing that struck me was that my baby was very pale, but I immediately saw that he had my eyes, and I thought, "Oh yes!!" I was so happy. I breastfed him right away. Then, during the night, I found myself alone with him, as my husband couldn’t stay with me in the room. And that night, there was a moment when I felt a bit overwhelmed when my baby, who had just had a very sticky poop, the infamous meconium, started peeing on me! Naturally, I had forgotten that he was a little boy and that I needed to be careful. It wasn’t a big deal, but at that moment, I felt completely useless! There was also the moment of the bath: I was assisted by a pediatric nurse who corrected me but in quite an authoritarian way, and I felt completely belittled. I even wondered how I would manage this baby on my own… I also dreaded leaving the maternity ward!
Since the birth happened before the lockdown, I knew that I would soon have to be alone with the baby. And ultimately, looking back, as I told a friend, being a mother is a job you take on, and there are no bad mothers for me. Of course, I exclude serious behaviors, but ultimately, you learn and do your best! The lockdown really helped me because the dad could stay with me. We were all three together, and I had a good experience during that time thanks to that.
That’s a bit of advice I gave to my midwife: to better prepare women for the aftermath because it’s violent both physically and psychologically. Especially if you have a baby with colic or reflux. Even the release crying, we’re not necessarily aware of that. And ultimately, a crying baby is normal, and it’s not necessarily a problem, but you need to be prepared, I think. A lot of mothers or parents end up feeling helpless.
The fact of bleeding too, I didn’t understand! You think that once you leave the maternity ward, everything is sorted out! But actually, no! I was lucky because my baby wasn’t very big at birth, so he didn’t cause much damage, and I didn’t suffer too much physically thanks to a quick delivery, but still!
It’s funny, actually. I gave birth at 4 a.m., and by 8 p.m., I told my husband that I needed to stretch my legs - we had ordered something to eat - so I went downstairs to get the order, and the nurses thought I was a visitor. They told me, "Visiting hours are over," and I said, "No, I’m going back to my room, I just gave birth." They were shocked (laughs). I was really in the mindset that everything was going to be fine. I don’t know if that helped, but I was helped, my body helped me, and I also had a very positive mindset.
For the aftermath, I took parental leave: I kept my son until he was six and a half months old, and I really enjoyed it. I breastfed, and it was amazing. I now give him bottles, and I can see the difference. I don’t judge those who give bottles, on the contrary, everyone chooses what’s right for their family, but for us, it created an extra bond. I went back to work with peace of mind. In terms of organization, it’s going well, and the dad is very involved. And I really think it’s important to have a partner who participates genuinely; for me, it’s the foundation of good mental health.
"The advice I would have liked to be given is to ask fewer questions, have confidence in yourself, believe in yourself, in your choices, get help, and most importantly, let go!"
As for the bond with my baby, I find that the bond is getting stronger and stronger. Even though some may find it taboo to say it this way, I didn’t feel that the bond was created immediately and right from birth. For me, things built up gradually, and it’s getting stronger as time goes by!
In any case, I had a really great pregnancy because I was well surrounded, thinking of my sister, of course, but also of the midwife who gave me so much. It’s true that we’re a generation that asks a lot of questions, "Am I going to be a good mother?" for example, but I refused to ask myself that question. I decided that I would take care of my child, do my best, and everything would be fine, even though, of course, there will probably be tougher moments than others. The advice I would have liked to be given is to ask fewer questions, have confidence in yourself, believe in yourself, in your choices, get help, and most importantly, let go!
