The art of living your pregnancies by Salomée

Reading Time: 5 min

My name is Salomée, I’m 33 years old. I work as a freelance consultant in the lifestyle and gastronomy sectors, so focused on food and lifestyle.

I started in the food industry in 2013 when I opened a restaurant, and then I opened a second one a year later. At that time, I didn’t have any children. I got pregnant with my first child in 2016, and I sold my shares just before giving birth. But I kept working up until the end, and since I stopped working in the restaurants, I’ve been freelancing.

When I was pregnant, it was the right time for me to stop and move on to something else. A new phase of my life.

As for the desire to become a mother, I’ve known since I was a teenager. I didn’t know when or how, but I knew I wanted to have children.

My two pregnancies

I had two very, very different pregnancies. The first one was truly a moment of grace for me. I was in good shape, I was happy, I felt strong, I felt beautiful. I took time for myself, I was glowing, and I was really fully immersed in it. I found people to be very kind to me, which put me in an incredibly positive mindset, and I loved that first pregnancy. I even told myself at that time that I could be pregnant my whole life.

The second pregnancy was completely different. I was a bit sick, I was tired, I could feel it, it weighed on me. I was pregnant during the lockdown, so that changed everything, and I didn’t have that same inner strength. I felt very vulnerable. I couldn’t wait for my baby to be born, and I couldn’t wait to not be in that state anymore. So, two very different pregnancies.

Food

When it came to food and restrictions, and being a passionate lover of lifestyle and gastronomy, during the first pregnancy I wanted to do everything perfectly. I was very careful, avoided everything that was forbidden, avoided everything that was discouraged. For toxoplasmosis concerns, I had strict rules and it was really frustrating for me, especially since I had never paid attention to what I ate before, I never paid attention to anything. But then: no raw food, no alcohol, everything had to be cleaned, being cautious when eating out. I eat out all the time! It was incredibly restrictive and frustrating.

In the postpartum period, I let go of everything: I gave birth, and right away in the maternity ward, I was drinking my natural wine in my room, I was drinking, eating raw fish, everything I hadn’t been allowed to do. Charcuterie, cheese, raw milk, I indulged in everything. As a result, I overdid it, and I paid the price after the pregnancy, I compensated.

During my second pregnancy, I was more relaxed about the restrictions, I was more confident. Having experienced it once, I wasn’t as strict. I followed fewer rules without understanding them, and I listened to my body more. I ate raw fish because I was sure about the source and the freshness, I was more relaxed. I was more in tune with my instincts, and everything went well. I was actually less terrified of the unwashed sprig of chives. I think it was because it was the second time, and I had more confidence in myself."

What I loved about pregnancy

There’s a big hormonal part, you’re super boosted with endorphins, etc., something physiological that helps you find everything fantastic, or not. It’s a double-edged sword, but what I loved was this kind of break, it has a beginning, it has an end, it’s something limited in time, and I find that your relationship with others becomes softer and more pleasant.

I found people kind and considerate. I found people to be more human with me both times. There’s a very privileged relationship with others when you’re pregnant, which I really enjoyed. When you arrive in your family, you’re a bit like a queen. I found that very reassuring.

And even in the street, I’ve never felt as safe as I did while pregnant, meaning I was almost untouchable. I went out late at night, I partied a lot while pregnant because I was in great shape. I was outside, and I never felt in danger, whereas as a woman in public space, you’re still quite exposed. But pregnant, never, not for a second.

It’s beautiful, this very thin line between vulnerability and strength when you’re pregnant. I loved that: you’re ultra-sensitive, on edge, and vulnerable, but on the other hand, you feel ultra “powerful.” This contradiction, this ambivalence, I found it incredibly interesting to experience.

What I liked least

I had a lot of trouble accepting belonging to the public domain, I couldn’t stand unsolicited advice from people I didn’t ask for, and I really struggled with the fact that people absolutely wanted to guess the sex of my child, while for me, that was something I didn’t want to know and wanted to discover at birth.

This kind of intrusion, not from everyone, but very frequently, it’s very oppressive: in the bus, on the street, you shouldn’t do this, you shouldn’t do that, sit down, do this, do that. You should eat, you should sleep, you shouldn’t sit in the sun...

But in fact, if I didn’t ask for your opinion, it’s because I don’t need it. And that for 9 months, it’s heavy.

After my deliveries, I had to project something of certainty, which made people stop giving unsolicited advice. They no longer had space to do so. It stopped when I had my babies in my arms. No one came to give their opinion anymore. I think it’s because I gave off something more in sync, less uncertain. I was in a different state, I felt like a mother carrying my children, but I had also become a mother in the eyes of others. They no longer dared.

As soon as I felt and knew I was pregnant, my mother’s brain kicked into gear. I was already focused on my future child. It was instinctive. I don’t want it to make other girls feel guilty if they don’t feel the same way, but it’s true that it came very naturally and very quickly for me, and I loved that.

Childbirth

I wasn’t apprehensive about childbirth. I hate hospitals, I hate blood tests, I hate injections, but when you're pregnant, you don't have much of a choice. Still, I wasn’t afraid of giving birth; I was actually looking forward to it. For me, it was the final stretch before meeting my baby, and I didn’t do any preparation, neither for the first nor for the second. Nothing.

I found childbirth incredible! It’s a crazy experience that you don’t live very often, at most 1, 2, 3, 4 times in your life. So, the rarity makes it even more enjoyable. I wanted to make the most of it. I thought, "See what happens, and if you can do it, enjoy it!" And I loved both times. Very differently, but I loved it.

The first time, like any first birth, it took hours and hours. But time is a bit strange during those hours, you don't really have a sense of it. Everything is a bit suspended, and you're a bit out of sync as well. Then you have your goal, you’re heading straight for it, and you know it’s coming. But it’s almost a physical and mental challenge, and you know why you're there.

The first time I had an epidural, I suffered a lot before I got it, but I was immediately relieved once it was done. The second time, everything started so quickly that I had to negotiate to get the epidural. I did manage to get it, but by the time they administered it, I was already giving birth. But at least it was very fast!

For this epidural-free birth, it went so quickly that I’m not really sure what happened. Even today, I wouldn’t be able to fully describe it. There was something almost unreal about it, you’re there but not there. I can’t really remember how I felt, I just knew it was happening, and I was there. I didn’t intellectualize it, it was express delivery.

Postpartum

After giving birth, I wasn’t scared of my baby, neither the first time nor the second time. I wasn’t afraid of doing it wrong, nor afraid of the presence of the baby next to me. It was fine.

However, I really struggled with the lack of sleep. Physically, it was very difficult. I hated my postpartum experience the first time because of the huge lack of sleep. I wanted to do too much—go out, see my friends, drink alcohol, take care of my baby—and so I was exhausted. I did too much. The second time, I listened to myself. I didn’t do anything. I stayed in bed. It’s okay if you don’t go out, it’s okay if you don’t do a thousand things, it’s okay if you don’t see people. It’s okay to disappear from social life for a few weeks. I learned from my mistakes.

I realized that the first time I made a mistake by putting pressure on myself to do things—cleaning the house, hosting, making dinner, being made up, being present. I went crazy, I wanted to do too much. The second time, it was a summer baby. It was in July, I was on vacation, I had nothing to do, no pressure. No FOMO. Then there was the virus, the lockdown, curfews. I was more in sync with the idea of staying calm. I was okay with doing nothing.

The first time, I was really in a race for action. I had to dress my baby every day, make sure he was super cute, presentable, well-dressed, and I had to look good too. We had to go out, see people. I was really in the race.

Body changes

For the first baby, I gained a lot of weight, but I was really comfortable with it, I thought it suited me well. Afterward, though, I had trouble accepting my body. I didn’t like the empty belly. I really missed my pregnant belly. I thought I was so beautiful when I was pregnant, and then I found myself in this in-between phase that lasted a long time, and I didn’t like it at all. I carried that weight.

For the second pregnancy, I had the opposite experience. In short, for the first baby: great pregnancy, complicated postpartum. For the second baby: not a great pregnancy, I didn’t feel my best, but a much more balanced postpartum. So, there are no rules!

Access to information

With Instagram, TV shows, and podcasts, I feel like we have access to a lot of information and technical details that were long kept from us. Even for my first baby, 4 years ago, I felt like there was already a movement underway to inform women about the less glamorous aspects, the harder parts, the grosser bits.

Today, I think we are fully immersed in it. I was one of the first among my friends to have a baby, so I didn’t have advice from close friends. But when I gave birth and became a mother, I shared everything with my friends. I was completely transparent about what I went through if they asked. There were some discoveries, and my friends were sometimes taken aback. They learned things that weren’t often told when we were young girls. But today, it’s more common!

The advice I wish I’d been given

The best advice I received was to listen to myself and trust myself. I think when you have an intuition, whether it’s in any area of life, you should follow it. Just because you’ve never done something, or because you don’t know something, or because it’s the first time, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust yourself.

I was given this advice the first time, and I tried to follow it, and I think it really helped me. It’s very general, and you can apply it to everything, but it’s very reassuring to rely on that. It’s your intuition, your feelings, and your instincts. You have to trust yourself.

It’s not a big deal!

In discussions about motherhood and pregnancy, I find there’s always a certain framework. You hear, "It’s so great, I experienced it perfectly, I did this, I did that, this is good, this is better." But honestly, I think there are a lot of things that are not a big deal. It’s not a big deal if you don’t like being pregnant, it’s not a big deal if you don’t love your child immediately when they arrive. It’s not a big deal if you don’t succeed and feel overwhelmed. Everything happens at your own pace, according to your timing, your individual circumstances, your family dynamics, whether you have support or not, whether you’re raising the child alone or with a partner. It’s not a big deal.

And it’s not a big deal if you don’t want children. It’s not a goal in itself, it’s not an obligation, and it’s not a happiness for everyone. It’s not a big deal, and it’s totally okay. The way society and family see motherhood, it’s often seen as the ultimate goal in a woman’s life. Like, if you haven’t achieved that, something is missing. But I believe that everyone has their own needs. It’s okay not to have children.

It’s already so complicated to know what you want, that if you also have to deal with what others want for you, I think you won’t get anywhere. So, just remember that every story is unique, and it’s important to be okay with that. Having a child is a conscious choice, it’s not an end goal.

Having a daughter has changed things for me as a mom. Even though I aim for a gender-neutral educational approach for my children, and even though I have these ideal goals, I won’t lie, for me, it’s very different being the mother of a daughter. I think it’s linked to transmission, to personal history. I’ll see how it unfolds because she’s still only a few months old, and we don’t know each other perfectly yet, but it’s likely to be different for me.

Going from one to two children

I think the key is being ready for it. I had my second child when I felt the desire for it. I waited until I wanted a second child just as much as I wanted the first one. I didn’t want to have a second one until the desire was as strong as it was for the first.

So, there’s a four-year gap between my children, which is a lot for some people and pretty typical for others. For me, it was the right timing: you have to be ready and want it. When it’s too soon for you, it’s hard. I didn’t force it, I didn’t consider the professional context, etc. I just waited until I was ready, physically and mentally.

You always hear, "It’s not the right time," for this reason or that. For me, the right time is just when you feel ready, when you’re in good shape, and you want it, when you have the desire. You shouldn’t have a second one just to give the first one a sibling, etc. But ultimately, it’s really up to each individual!