Entrepreneurship and motherhood by Alexandra

Reading time: 4 minutes

"My name is Alexandra, and I founded a brand strategy consulting firm. I also have a little girl who is almost 3 years old. I live in the 11th arrondissement of Paris with my partner, Romain.

The Desire for Motherhood

The desire came gradually, a little after turning 30, as it aligned with the path I was on with my partner.

Then came the questions about the right time to have a child. It's like suddenly your life becomes a puzzle, and you wonder where to place the 'child' piece so that everything stays in balance—so you're emotionally ready, and a little more grounded, etc.

I found this particularly difficult for women, as men don’t really face the same questions. If you aspire to have a career, you really need to plan things; it’s not just a matter of chance. Do you do it at a time when you're relatively comfortable in your job? But then, will you have the courage to leap into new projects afterward?

I wanted to set up my consulting firm and go through an additional experience first, so I had to wait a bit. Since we weren’t in a rush, we could afford it. I don’t think it’s enough to just say “yes, I want it” and go for it. The perfect moment never really arrives, but some moments are more opportune than others in your journey.

I took a rational approach to the decision about when to become a mother, but the emotional, psychological, and physical side was something I didn’t anticipate. It came afterward.

The entrepreneurial project and motherhood

I had wanted to start my consulting firm for a long time. You might think that starting this project while pregnant would be more complicated, but in the end, it wasn’t any harder than at any other time. When you’re working with long hours and a lot of stress, you don’t have the mental availability to start a new project. It’s hard to focus after a busy day, from 10 p.m. to 11 p.m… Whereas with maternity leave, I had the time to work on building my business and to slow down a bit. I probably could have used this time to focus more on myself, but I struggle to slow down, it makes me anxious. I found it really interesting to dive into this adventure, I was learning so much, so I didn’t really see it as “work” to be done.

The actual business project changed, however. If I had started the firm before becoming pregnant, it would have been very different. I didn’t have the same aspirations. Motherhood deeply changed how I view many things, especially the concept of "success." After becoming a mother, everything changed—my daily life, my schedule, my freedom… And also my perspective on things, my beliefs, and what I thought I had solidified but would later change.

But it was the most incredible change I could have imagined, a very happy upheaval. You discover that you can love more than you ever imagined, and that, of course, reshapes your priorities accordingly.

I launched my business right after maternity leave, but for almost 6 months, I didn’t work on Wednesdays to take care of her. I’m with her every evening at 6 p.m., no matter what, even today. I couldn’t have done this if I were employed. There’s a self-guilt, a fear of how others will perceive you, which is more of a mental pressure than anything about the actual time management. I realize how lucky I am in this regard, so I’m making the most of it.

However, this means that the rest of my day is intense. I don’t take breaks.

The preparation

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I had so many things to discover. I approached it methodically, like a ‘subject’ to explore. You don’t know anything, you don’t understand anything, you don’t have the vocabulary or the codes, so you have to dive in. And then, you start to find your bearings.

And then the pregnancy ends, and that’s when you really become a parent. That’s when it begins, and you have no idea how you’re going to handle it! We talk a lot about the pregnancy, the delivery, but nobody teaches you what comes next. That’s the most important part. And the hardest part.

Being a “Young Mom”

I realize that it hasn’t been long since I stopped considering myself a ‘young mom,’ even though it’s been almost two and a half years since I had my daughter. I think what made the transition from ‘young mom’ to ‘mom’ is the ability to say, “I know my opinion is the right one.” Aside from her father, no one knows better than us. Of course, I make mistakes, but at least I feel like I’m doing things in line with my convictions, and that’s when it changed. At six months, if someone told me, “You need to do this,” I’d listen and go for it. And you spend your time receiving contradictory advice, which only leaves you more confused.

I think you’re no longer a young mom the moment you can confidently say what works for your child. You’re able to say, “I know what works, in my own story, with my daughter.” And no one knows better than you.

The advice

A friend once told me, "Savor the small victories. Never take anything for granted. Just because she’s sleeping now doesn’t mean she’ll sleep tomorrow—sleep is a real issue! Just because she’s eating now doesn’t mean she’ll keep eating." And she was absolutely right. Every time you think you’ve ticked a box, it turns out to be temporary. But that’s the beauty of parenting: it’s constantly changing, and nothing is fixed. It forces you to always question what you’re doing, to reflect, and this movement is beautiful. The constant evolution is wonderful. It gives life a rhythm. Each day is better than the one before, and each age is better than the last. So far, at least!

You keep thinking it can’t get better, and yet it does. Yes, something incredible happens at birth, but for me, it’s not just that. The relationship is built afterward. You don’t become a parent because you carried the child or because they have your genes. You become one by staying up at night, hugging, wiping away tears. I didn’t become a mother the day they placed my daughter in my arms. I became a mother through the memories we created together.

Balancing a successful career and being an invested mother

I launched my business in a field I knew well, so it was probably easier than for those who are reinventing their careers through entrepreneurship.

However, balancing both roles requires a lot of organization. You have to set priorities somewhere. You sacrifice your personal freedom. You dedicate a lot of time to your child and your work. You don’t have time to be lazy—you need to make it work to fully enjoy both lives, to be fully present in each. Without them blending too much together, the balance is always fragile. Because starting a business is also a very personal investment. So you need to find the right balance and define your own priorities.

All of this doesn’t leave much time for yourself, alone. Thankfully, I love my job, so it doesn’t feel like work, and I don’t feel like I’m losing myself in it.

Feminism

I have a daughter, and everything happening today forces me to try to pass on certain values. I’m deeply feminist, and how do you transmit that? How do you help her build herself? How do you project a very positive image of femininity? How do you make her understand that nothing can stop her, that she can do anything? You do everything to ensure she never thinks that because she’s a girl, she’s destined for certain things. It’s an ongoing fight. There are so many little details in life that require constant attention. I’m so happy to have a daughter. You know you’re helping to build something different. There’s a real issue at stake here.

The role of the father

I don’t want to speak for my partner about his relationship to fatherhood or his role, as that’s his to speak on. But I just think it’s beautiful, this new balance that’s created when you transition from a couple to a family. How each person imparts a bit of who they are and creates their own bond. You function as a trio, but also in pairs within that trio.

However, to speak about fathers ‘in general,’ I think there’s a fundamental societal issue around paternity leave. Some people see it as a detail, but it’s really one of the root problems behind gender inequality.

Because it unbalances the responsibilities from the start. When you leave the maternity ward, during paternity leave, you are in total equality. But afterward, when the father goes back to work, the responsibility starts to tip. You become the reference because you’re the one present all day. And as time goes on, that dynamic gets ingrained in people’s minds. This is where equality should be built.

It’s also nonsensical: either you think women should take care of the children, and that’s why you give them maternity leave. And then we have a clear problem with the conception of the world. Or you think women gave birth and need to rest, and that’s why they get maternity leave. But here we have another issue—who can really rest when they have a one-month-old to take care of alone?

So in either case, it’s unjust. Paternity leave is not just about days off. It’s about a vision of society.

Motherhood, an important subject

People who don’t want children are always questioned on the subject, dismissed, and told "you’ll change your mind"... But it will transform your life, so you still have the right to choose not to do it! The same happens when you have a child; people always ask when the second or third one will come, as if it’s nothing—a tiny change. For me, it’s the greatest joy, but also the greatest source of responsibility. It’s anything but a light topic. So it deserves to be treated with more consideration and seriousness, without infantilizing either the topic or women."

This talk was originally published in February 2021.