Tokophobia by Camille
Reading time: 5 minutes
"My desire for motherhood was a bit complicated and latent, in the sense that I couldn't imagine a life without children and I wanted it, but I felt that something was blocking me. I asked myself a lot of questions for a while, I was ready but not ready."
For me, preparing for pregnancy, for being pregnant, was not the easiest! Indeed, after a lot of questions and self-work, I understood, but it took time, that I wanted to become a mother, that the idea of transitioning into this life didn't scare me, but the problem came from my fear of being pregnant and giving birth. More specifically, it was the fear of my body's transformation, the pain of childbirth, etc. In fact, that's when I realized that it was more than just fear, because it was blocking my desire for motherhood, and it was actually more of a phobia!
"Tokophobia (from the Greek tokos meaning 'childbirth' and phobos meaning 'fear') is a specific phobia that refers to the pathological fear of pregnancy and childbirth."
This is where I discovered the precise term, tokophobia. I’m somewhat foolishly quoting the Wikipedia definition because that’s how I found it after much research, haha. Tokophobia (from the Greek tokos meaning 'childbirth' and phobosmeaning 'fear') is a specific phobia that refers to the pathological fear of pregnancy and childbirth. In reality, there is much more to say, especially regarding the reasons, as it depends on each person, but just being aware of it is already a big step, which isn’t easy considering the limited information available on the topic.
So, I prepared in advance because once I understood I had this phobia, after several years (laughs) (I could have saved some time…) I was given great advice and was referred to a hypnotherapist. Like many phobias, hypnosis can help, and it clearly worked for me! After six months, I was no longer afraid at all, and I got pregnant on the first try! I was truly ready to approach pregnancy with peace of mind! Of course, I needed reassurance during my pregnancy, and I wanted to do everything I could to make sure things went well for my baby!
When I got pregnant, I told my husband immediately as soon as I had the positive test! Then we announced it fairly easily, often by phone, as we are French living in Brussels. Anyway, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it; it felt like the natural course of things for us.
During the pregnancy, regarding food, I had already paid attention before, eating a varied and balanced diet, though not necessarily in small quantities — I have a good appetite! I also did a lot of yoga, I was already practicing, plus water aerobics and a bit of elliptical cycling!! It did me so much good. I think it's important to stay active during pregnancy! For prenatal yoga, I find it really prepares you; it’s not like a session where they tell you, "you’ll push like this, breathe like that," which remains theoretical and never goes that way! Yoga helps prepare your body for childbirth over time through the positions (affecting the pelvis, perineum, etc.).
"In any case, I loved childbirth, go figure!"
So, I primarily prepared for childbirth through prenatal yoga because I started early, but also because of the lockdown, as all the traditional preparations were canceled. My prenatal yoga teacher continued via video, and I was connected twice a week from March 15 to May 15 (the date my daughter was born). I also prepared through my diet (raspberry leaf, dates, etc.), I tried everything, but honestly, I don’t know what the impact was!! I really enjoyed the book Mon Quatrième trimestre au naturel by Julia Simon (she also talks about the third trimester).
Anyway, I loved the childbirth experience, who would have thought! I was induced, but I have such a great memory of it, not to mention the arrival of the baby, which is magical and timeless! It's more about the postpartum period that I have a somewhat mixed opinion, let's say! I was less prepared for it because people talk about it less. I feel like there’s a taboo around childbirth and the aftermath for mothers and women. As if we shouldn’t talk about it to a woman who hasn’t experienced motherhood or that we should stop at the idea of birth being this incredible moment. Why? Maybe to avoid scaring people, but I would have liked to know how things go, even though it depends on the woman! I didn’t experience the baby blues, I had a tear-free birth, so overall it was fine for me, though I still think it’s not easy! Between the new reality of being three, the stress about your baby’s well-being, your body, etc...
"Anyway, there are two things I wish someone had told me before pregnancy: that the fear of pregnancy exists, and that it doesn’t question the desire to have a child. And that it can be healed, most importantly!"
As for cosmetics, I was quite careful about the products I chose, without being too extreme. I wanted natural formulas like sweet almond oil or shea butter balms. I didn’t change much because I already used them! I just added oils to prevent stretch marks and a new deodorant... but without much conviction about these products (the scents were too strong, especially)!
Anyway, there are two things I wish someone had told me before pregnancy: that the fear of pregnancy exists, and that it doesn’t question the desire to have a child. And that it can be healed, most importantly! It would have saved me some time :) and also that the aftermath isn’t all rosy! #mypostpartum
Finally, I’m lucky to have had a dad who was present from A to Z, it was amazing! His company took the lead by offering 3 months of paternity leave! We’re still sharing this leave together since the birth of our daughter on May 15th, and without any point of comparison, it changes everything! I really hope this becomes widespread given the involvement of dads and the support it provides to the mom! I think our daughter benefits from it too.
Tune in next week for our talk with Kenza Sadoun el Glaoui, available starting next Wednesday!
