Prenatal depression by Priscilla

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My name is Priscilla, and I’ve been working for 8 years at the Fédération Française du Prêt à Porter Féminin. My role is to support emerging brands in their growth. The goal is to coach them on the business side. I meet between 60 and 75 brands a year, and it’s great! I’m also a mom, I have two children, Jazzlyne, who is almost seven, and Djanys, who just turned two.

The desire for motherhood

I didn’t want to be a mother. I always wanted to adopt children, thinking there were enough kids in the world without parents, so why make more? It’s kind of the same logic as second-hand clothing: why create new when there’s already plenty (laughs). I always had this desire to adopt, but as I grew older, I realized that it was quite the battle, and since I was healthy and in a relationship, I knew I wouldn’t be a priority, which made it difficult if I chose that path.

Anyway, I didn’t have that deep desire to have children right away. I lost my mother at a young age, when I was eleven, and I raised my younger brother who was seven. I took on the role of a little mom early on, so I also wanted to take my time—time to travel, live my life, go out, and advance in my career! And one day, it came to me, almost compulsively. I was thirty-one.

I realized that many parents around me didn’t fundamentally change their habits once they became parents. They still went on vacation, had rich social lives. I remember a girl telling me about a trek she did with her six-month-old baby… I thought there were other ways of doing things, that it could actually be cool!

Preparation

I thought, "Okay, I’ll stop the pill. But we’re not going to try for forty years; if it doesn’t work in six months, that’s it."

I ended up getting pregnant quite quickly, and the pregnancy went very smoothly. I was being cared for by a friend who was a midwife, very natural, very holistic. I was well supported. She explained a lot to me, talking just as much about breastfeeding as about preparation. She even prepared me in the pool, which was really nice. Everything went very smoothly, I had no pain. I didn’t deprive myself of anything. I lived the pregnancy the way I wanted to. It was instinctive and intuitive; I even had an obsession with flans, I’d bring one to the office every day!

I did a lot of swimming and aqua aerobics, and yet when I see photos of myself, I was a big ball of energy (laughs).

I was really afraid of stretch marks, so my husband and I had a ritual: every evening he would massage me with an oil that my midwife friend had made with sweet almond oil and calendula. Every night, we’d connect like that, and over time, we could see the baby reacting—it was amazing. I don’t have a scale at home, but I think I must have gained twenty kilos by the end. But honestly, I didn’t care!

The birth

For both babies, I didn’t know the gender until after birth. When they placed Jazzlyne on me, I remember thinking, “Now there’s her, the world, and between her and the world, there’s me.” I felt like a warrior. If I have to fight, it’s for her. I’m still emotional when I talk about it.

At first, I didn’t want to breastfeed at all. But during skin-to-skin, she moved toward my breast, and everything happened so naturally. A real little mammal. So I couldn’t refuse her. That’s how it started. It lasted four months, until I got a bit sick, and it stopped suddenly. I was sad; stopping breastfeeding is hard, and I don’t think we talk enough about that sadness. You’re cutting something off. I thought, “How will I manage now? She won’t need me anymore!”

The revelation of motherhood really happened at that moment, when I had her in my arms. It’s primal. With Jazzlyne, I really wanted to take the time to care for her, to discover her. I was fascinated by this new role, I had to discover her and also discover myself as a mother."

Prenatal depression

During my second trimester of pregnancy, I was very depressed. I felt like I was reliving my teenage years, which were a bit turbulent, especially with the death of my mother. I was depressed. I was sad, and everyone told me it was just the hormones. I would respond, "No, it’s not the hormones, I’m talking about real feelings!" I used the word "depressed," even though it’s a term I never normally use. I remember calling my friends in tears, feeling lost and so disoriented! I had also become a bit aggressive, even though I’m usually more harmonious and calm.

Physically, I didn’t have any specific pains, but it was really this emotional aspect that I found horrible.

The fact that I no longer had a mother led many women around me to offer unsolicited advice. They wanted to be supportive of my pregnancy, but what I really needed was my mom. During the pregnancy, I felt like my body no longer belonged to me. I even remember people on the street wanting to touch my belly. It was really intrusive. That must have contributed a little to this emotional vulnerability.

I also had a huge fear of dying. I was afraid of having a child and then dying the next day, of leaving my family. I was projecting my own history onto becoming a mother. And to deal with this after the birth, I decided to consult with someone who specialized in supporting pregnant women and new moms. This person told me I wasn’t the only one experiencing this. She explained that even though I felt like I was coping with my mother’s death, the absence would follow me throughout my life. That really reassured me. I am also very well surrounded: I have a brother I’m very close to, my father, my stepmother, and Fred’s parents, who are amazing. And my relationship is strong!

But I really felt like I was becoming a child again, someone who needed their hand held, and of course, I didn’t have the one I wanted. So, I really wanted to take my time before starting a new chapter with a second child. And it was great to do things this way.

Being a "Young Mom"

I took my daughter everywhere. She was always with me. We went to restaurants, cafés, museums. I remember going to lots of exhibitions with her. It was reassuring to realize I could do all of that with a child. It really confirmed my choice to become a mother.

Becoming a mother also changed me a lot. I’m a robot by nature, and it’s useful for a lot of things (laughs), but for me, it also means creating very high barriers around myself to avoid getting hurt or stressed.

But that also prevents me from feeling many things. I’m not very tactile normally, not very affectionate, and I’m not very expressive with my feelings either. Becoming Jazzlyne’s mom really broke through that armor, she created a direct path to my heart. And for me, that’s a huge emotional shift.

By the way, when I didn’t have children yet, people often told me about unconditional love: "You can’t understand it yet." That phrase really annoyed me; I couldn’t stand hearing it... it’s annoying, but it’s true (laughs)! I finally understood and felt that notion of absolute love with the arrival of my children.

Having a second child

I kept saying I couldn’t have a second child, that I could never love someone the way I love Jazzlyne. It seemed impossible to me.

I’m very close to my brother, and Fred has four siblings, and I really like the concept of having siblings. I think we share something strong and wonderful. It helps us face life. So, we decided to go for it!

When I got pregnant, my father was also falling ill at the same time, so we lived through the pregnancy alongside his chemotherapy. I was also much more tired overall, with an intense work commitment. What we discovered later, because I had a lot of pain in my feet and ankles, was that I developed a disease called rheumatoid arthritis during the pregnancy, and the doctors aren’t sure if it’s related to the pregnancy or not…

With the arrival of my son, I experienced something different. While with Jazzlyne, I always had the definition of the word "educate" in my mind, meaning to "take out, to guide out," meaning I wanted to prepare her as best as possible for the outside world, with Djanys, I was in absolute protection mode from the outside world. In the maternity hospital, they detected a potentially serious heart issue.

That’s when I was advised to breastfeed him for as long as possible to help him overcome the malformation, and I did so for a year. Breastfeeding didn’t go as smoothly as it did with Jazzlyne. Since he was a big baby who would tire quickly while eating, I had to breastfeed him every two hours, which was difficult…

I remember feeling like electric shocks going through my body when I breastfed him, and my daughter holding my hand, telling me, "It’s okay, mom." I kept thinking that his heart needed these defenses, that it was my mission, almost a duty. I thought I had to give him the strength to face this. I really had no choice!

I couldn’t go back to work as quickly as planned; it wasn’t possible with such a fragile baby who needed me so much. My colleagues knew and were amazing; they took care of everything in my absence. My boss was also extremely understanding and simply told me to take all the time I needed, that they would all figure it out. They all told me to return only when I was ready.

I had a long maternity leave, but I didn’t rest. We had weekly appointments at Necker, and I had to wait over six months before the doctors told us that we could rule out the possibility of open-heart surgery. It was very difficult, and even though the doctors didn’t overly stress us out, they still gave us information about monitoring his breathing. They told us to watch out and come immediately if he turned blue… so, I couldn’t sleep anymore; I was constantly watching over him. I was in constant hyper-vigilance. I’m normally very laid-back, almost like, "Live your life, eat dirt, it will strengthen your immune system," but this time, I acted like a protective lioness. That’s why today, he’s so attached to me.

Today, he’s better, and we only have annual check-ups at the hospital. Everything has fallen into place.

The next step for him and me is to succeed in letting go a little. It’s another stage in the relationship. I realize that the detachment needs to come from both him and me. I feel like there’s work to be done!

Advice for facing the unexpected

What helped me put things into perspective, especially regarding Djanys’ health issues at birth, was thinking about a friend of mine who had a little girl with a rare disease and who never gave up. I have a lot of admiration for her and her family, who, for me, are the perfect example of resilience and determination. It gave me a lot of strength.

When my son was hospitalized, I kept repeating to myself, "It’s not serious; if it were, I would know." I kept thinking my son was a force of nature and that I was giving him all the tools to face it. I really approached it with this mindset. I was convinced that fighting the disease psychologically was important. I had to believe it. My son and I were together in this fight. Now, we’ll need to open up to others, and that’s not easy. It will take time.

Anyway, motherhood is truly incredible. Having someone look at you as if you were a superhero is, I think, the most extraordinary thing ever.