Balancing motherhood and professional life by Valérie
Reading time: 5 minutes
My name is Valérie, and I am the mother of a little boy, Paul, who is 6 months old. His arrival was really not planned. I had just left a demanding commercial job that required a lot of time investment. I think, unconsciously, I had always wanted a child. The maternal instinct has always been there, I believe, but I didn’t necessarily know how to express it. I lived it without truly admitting it to myself.
It was inconceivable given my professional life. It was almost too much to imagine what my boss would think: how it could be received, especially since I had only just started this new position a few months earlier… I was putting this pressure on myself. In my mind, I was sure I would be one of those women for whom it would take two years to conceive a baby. I thought if it happened in two years, that would be ideal, but not before! For various reasons, I stopped my contraception, and I wanted to try to track my cycles. And actually, I got pregnant!
My first reaction when I read the test: I put it down and went to eat. I didn’t even know how to interpret what I had read (laughs). I sort of denied it by telling myself, ‘No, wait, I’m applying for jobs right now, it’s not at all optimal if I’m pregnant.’ I didn’t want to believe it! And then, bam, the first wave of guilt as a future mother: it wasn’t at all the reaction I wanted to have! I imagined joy, something much more decisive, much simpler!
I did the test on my own, and since my partner was away in Nancy, I texted him saying, ‘I’m taking a train, I miss you, I need to see you, I’m coming.’ I took a train, and I didn’t manage the announcement at all. I was so panicked! I had taken the test with me, and I found it in a parking lot. He wanted to take me to a great Michelin-starred restaurant, and I thought, ‘No, I can’t do that there.’ So in the end, I just blurted it out like that! I couldn’t wait two more days… and he was so thrilled!"
After that, I quickly started asking myself a lot of questions: “Okay, Valérie, you’re 31, you’re pregnant, that’s great, you’ve been with your partner for 7 years, fantastic. It’s out of the question to have an abortion, you want a child. However, you’re looking for a job, so how do you approach pregnancy with the perspective of work? How do you manage this?”
"When you’re looking for a job and you’re pregnant: what do you actually do?"
I’m naturally organized, I’m used to anticipating and planning… I never imagined finding myself in such a situation for my first pregnancy! And even today, it’s still a real challenge when I have to apply for jobs, my baby is crying, and I need to feed him, but I’m in the middle of updating my CV! I feel guilty for not being able to fully enjoy him; sometimes I wish I could be like those women who take four months of maternity leave, knowing they’ll return to their job in complete peace of mind. And today, peaceful, I’m really not.
When you’re looking for a job and you’re pregnant: what do you actually do? All these stories about women who are pregnant and applying for jobs – we sometimes see posts on LinkedIn about it – what do we do in this situation? I applied a bit, but I applied less... I ended up self-censoring, especially with a commercial profile, with the strong travel component that’s not recommended after 6 months and the fatigue from pregnancy. Of course, I still tried, I had interviews where I’d directly announce that I was pregnant. Transparency is really my way of functioning: when I recruited staff myself in Australia, I remember a woman telling me, “I’m going to do IVF,” and that was never an issue. “Well, you know what? Go ahead, do IVF, that’s great! I wish you the best of luck, and we’ll figure it out. In any case, I still want to hire you!” We organize ourselves, we can always organize ourselves. When I lived there, I noticed that things related to maternity were handled differently – I’m not saying it’s better, but there’s something more natural about it. The desire, the waiting, or having a child seems to be less of an obstacle than it is here in France, I think.
It’s true that here in France, we start with 11 days of paternity leave, even though things have improved recently, and then you think, “Okay, but if I’m the ambitious one in the couple, how do I handle this?” This question about work generated an enormous amount of stress: I was stressed, and paradoxically, I had a lot of time to take care of myself. I was able to do some nice things, including yoga, especially yin yoga. I was lucky to have a great pregnancy: my partner and I traveled a lot, I had very little nausea, and I was able to stay active, except during the lockdown, of course, when it was harder because I needed to walk!
About the birth: I was really apprehensive! I knew I wanted to avoid an episiotomy at all costs, and to prepare, I listened a lot to Bliss stories, among other things. Because I was scared, I did a lot of yoga, acupuncture, and sophrology. I was actually induced thanks to acupuncture! And since I was also tired of hearing people around me say it wasn’t normal for the baby to take so long to arrive, I did several sessions, and it worked really well! People would say, “But it’s not normal, maybe you’re not moving enough, are you doing the housework? Are you moving around? Your baby isn’t coming!” as if it were my fault and I was being lazy. Or the countless messages I received: “So, have you had the baby yet?” “Still no baby in sight?” Well, no, actually not yet (laughs). So, acupuncture to put an end to all that!
"In any case, that’s when I realized the strength of a woman who is giving birth, who is in pain, and who takes control, who doesn’t give up. That’s when I realized we are warriors."
And then, an insane journey began: 36 hours of labor, with a somewhat complicated epidural, and a very anxiety-inducing context because of COVID, everyone wearing masks, and on top of that, a very overwhelmed midwife with whom I didn’t really click. I didn’t like her approach and the way she completely downplayed my pain: the anecdote is that I insisted so much to bring in the anesthetist because I was in so much pain, and when he arrived, he found out that the epidural had actually been disconnected… so it couldn’t work. As a result, I completely lost trust in the midwife! Half an hour before pushing, I was at the end of my rope, out of breath from having already suffered so much, with a syringe starting to blink, making me panic, and a baby that didn’t want to come out. Then the gynecologist arrived and very casually said, “Well, you’re in pain, but there’s no need to put in another epidural.” And at that point, I felt like I was negotiating, I told him, “Well, I’ve been here for 36 hours. If I had wanted a natural birth without an epidural, I think I would’ve said so during my prenatal interview, so I’d like you to call the anesthetist immediately and let’s do something about it!” I actually negotiated my birth (laughs)!
In any case, that’s when I realized the strength of a woman who is giving birth, who is in pain, and who takes control, who doesn’t give up. That’s when I realized we are warriors. And then I met my son, and the first thing I thought was that he didn’t look like me at all! Not like his father either!
I gave birth at 8 a.m., and by the time the baby was cleaned, etc., at 11 a.m., they told my partner to leave and come back later in the afternoon: that was really tough. I didn’t imagine this at all for my first pregnancy. And the postpartum period was a particular time: I had a lot of pain, I suffered from the aftermath of childbirth. I still felt supported by my partner, who took care of everything with me: changing the diaper, bringing me the baby at night so I could breastfeed, etc.
"There’s something I’d like to say to other moms: it’s normal to take time to get to know your baby, to truly meet him, love grows as you discover him."
In fact, I really enjoyed breastfeeding; I thought it was great. Mentally, postpartum was difficult for me; you’re accepting a new life, you’re no longer alone, you completely surrender to your baby, he’s there, all the time, overnight... I imagined I’d jump right back into applying for jobs the very next day (laughs), but it actually took me three months to think, “It’s time to update my resume.” I hadn’t seen that coming; I put a lot of pressure on myself thinking, “Okay, I’ve given birth, I’ve been waiting for this moment, I’ve had interviews, it was difficult to say I was pregnant, to feel like it was a setback, but now, he’s here, we’re moving forward, but it’s not that simple, organizing, finding time for myself.” I didn’t expect it to take that long.
I wish someone had talked to me about all this. There’s something I’d like to say to other moms: it’s normal to take time to get to know your baby, to truly meet him, love grows as you discover him. In the first few days, it felt like a foreign body to me. I also struggled this summer after giving birth to put on a swimsuit: in total, I think I wore one once or twice! I still have traces from my pregnancy that I struggle to accept, I’m starting the process of regaining confidence, even though I only gained 11 kg!
And then there’s everything they don’t tell you: hormonal drop, hair loss... I didn’t know about all that! Even though I’m interested in these subjects: cosmetics, skincare, and still, I struggled to find information. I missed that. From the 6th month of pregnancy, I told myself I needed to be careful with products and switch to clean, organic ones. It goes hand in hand with motherhood; you’re in a process where you realize you’re going to become a mom.
Right now, I’m really happy, I’m crazy about my baby, and I experience him differently now compared to the very first day. So, everyone has their own pace!
